rowan.

Further to my last post, I need to add that the worst thing about my indigestion/vomiting ordeal last night was that I was mid-way through wee-my-pants-hilarious ‘Miranda.’ 

I think I might start being a little bit more open about my flaws .. ? Perhaps I might change that to quirks .. Usually I would never bring them up (unless with Blake, because he always has to put up with my ramblings). It makes me feel quite uncomfortable to be able to talk to anybody about things of that matter, because I feel that they’re not flawy (flaw-ry? flawwy?) enough so that I’ll be judged as being ridiculous, or inconsiderate, because others have actual problems, blah, blah. I think this is one of my flaws. I, generally speaking, think I’m a pretty kind person. I tend to put others before myself, and even when I don’t, I make myself sick thinking about the consequences of not putting someone else before myself, i.e. how will they feel about it? what will they do? they are most definitely bitching about it to EVERYONE, and now everyone will think I’m horrid and then I will never be able to approach anyone because they will all think I am horrid. 

I feel that over the past couple of years, I have fallen into a shallow rut of superficial, and bitchy conversation. I don’t feel that I am a bitchy person by nature. Tell me about your job, tell me about family, your experiences, how you feel, what you’re reading, how much you laughed at whatever ridiculous show you’re watching lately.. ‘such and such did this, and yeah, sorry to say but they have really packed it on, and that is so ridiculous that they would think this .. and what a boring life they have, I felt so bad for them, etc.’ I always continue on ‘yeah, and did you see when they did this, what an idiot ..’ When I get home though, I think about it, and I don’t actually agree with anything that I’ve said. Then I make myself sick over thinking, ‘oh… what if they find out what I’ve been saying about them ..’ 

I’m not saying I never think horrible things about people. I do, I get irritated very, very easily. I also get overwhelmed with too much contact, and outgoing personalities, so I find it difficult to cope, just because I am quite reserved and solitary. Also, if something hurts me, it is pretty likely that I won’t bring it up unless it is something major. Hence, I’m not bitchy-free. 

Anyway, bitchyness ramble wasn’t the point I was trying to get across. My point is, I don’t actually say anything I would like to say. So, maybe I should just start saying it. 

Here are some dot points of things I think shouldn’t be valid flaws because I can work on them, and some are a little ridiculous. 

• I have a horrible tendency to not acknowledge anyone unless they acknowledge me first - maybe they won’t hear me, maybe they don’t want to talk to me for a reason. I know that I am nowhere near as shy as I used to be (‘do you even talk?’ was a familiar phrase), but this is one aspect I find very difficult to shake. 
• I won’t do assignments until the last minute, because then I can justify getting a bad mark. It’s because I didn’t start it until an hour before it was due, not because I’m not intelligent. .. Plus, maybe I’m a little bit lazy. 
• I’m far too methodical. I like being methodical, but if something doesn’t go to plan I just want to curl up and wither away. This probably isn’t very necessary.
• I have a very big issue with everyday noise. Unfortunately, everyday noise is not something I can change. It isn’t the end of the world that I can constantly hear traffic, and that Blake is a mouth-breather. 

I’m bored of this now, so I’m going to stop. I’m having a sick day today. Last night I had one mouthful of stirfry and my indigestion was so bad that I had to throw up 30 times. I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t lie down, and Blake said I couldn’t make a bed by the toilet because it’s unhygienic. When I was sitting in bed this morning working myself up to call work to let them know I was sick, which is a vomit-inducing act in itself anyway (I would really rather pull out my eyelashes), after spending all night throwing up due to the compression on my chest, and not being able to swallow my own saliva, and convincing myself that I had stomach cancer, or best case scenario, chronic heart disease (do people get indigestion this badly, I don’t even know?) .. I started thinking about yesterdays work event’s where I found out that my secondment was extended but another colleague’s might finish in a couple of weeks and worked myself into a frenzy of they all hate me because they have been their longer and have more skills than I do, and now I will never be able to ask them questions because they should be there more than I should, and then everyone on the floor will notice that I’m still there and maybe they won’t be and they will all think it is utterly ridiculous because I haven’t been there as long as the others and don’t know anything, and don’t deserve it. This made me decide that maybe I never want to go into work again, so it was a little bit lucky that I felt so physically sick anyway. After calling my mum in a hypochondriac messy state, she said maybe it’s only a stomach ulcer. I’m going to the doctor at 10.10pm (what a time), and this made me feel a little bit better and isn’t that caused by stress? How terrible that I have given myself a stomach ulcer, but then maybe other people will think I am stressed and stop heckling me (do they even heckle me? probably not). Then I looked it up, and apparently it’s caused by some sort of bacteria, not predominantly stress. I probably don’t even have a stomach ulcer. Anyway, now I don’t feel so bad about work, so back to work it is! … Last night and today’s events made me decide that maybe I need an attitude reassess.